A STORY by SABRINA HICKS
Assholes
I’m in the drive-thru, next in line to order burgers, behind some giant, bougie SUV with a vanity plate I’m trying to decipher. I’m doing my damnedest not to be too judgy because I’ve been told by a few assholes that I am, but honestly only an asshole would say that. A new song pops up on my playlist, and I roll down my window, trying to ignore this asshole in front of me taking too long when suddenly he sticks his head out of his window and shouts into the microphone, “Speak-ida Ingles!” like the prick he is, and I feel vindicated because clearly this guy is an asshole and maybe I should start filming him like I see all over social media of those racist assholes going on a big whiny bitch sesh about how they’re forced to live in a world where other people get to live their lives. But honestly, I hate those videos. I hate how we have to film every asshole to hold them accountable for their shittiness. And then the pile on comments of faux rage, real rage, leading to the inevitable it’s so terrible how divided we are. But this guy is only getting worse, berating the person on the other end of that speaker because they have an accent and have asked him to repeat his order. But he’s not repeating his order, he’s saying all sorts of vile shit, and becoming more of an asshole than even I could have predicted from his choice of vehicle and his plate claiming “pimp life” but it’s spelled “pmplyfe” so maybe it’s not supposed to mean anything, but the guy is too much of an asshole for it to be a coincidence so I’m guessing he’s just a super bad speller like most assholes. I have bear spray in the back of my car that I can use on him if things go south. I went hiking last week to get away from all the assholes at work and I’ve been hearing it rattle around for days. I’d need it, too, because the only time I think about working out is during times like this when I wish I could get out of my car and my size and girth alone would scare the shit out someone, but nah, I don’t have the kind of time needed to acquire ass-kicking muscles on the off chance I need to scare the shit out of some asshole. I have a life and kids, and I need my kids to see how to properly handle a situation, not to escalate a situation with violence like some asshole. But this guy won’t stop. He’s really tearing into this person on the other end, and the person on the other end, I can tell, is trying his best to be clear and calm, but then someone else comes on to the speaker and asks the guy to leave, tells him you can’t talk to his employee that way. Then the car in front of the SUV leaves with their order and the SUV is supposed to pull up, and I’m worried he’s got a weapon in his car or something. I can just see it all play out. My foot is revving the engine and I think if I crash into him I can push his car forward, past the pick-up window. I can’t get in trouble for that, can I? I’d be saving this guy’s life who works here. My engine is loud now, revving and revving, ready to plow into this asshole and become a hero. Maybe the guy behind me is filming and in the comment section someone will write, thank god this dude plowed into him! But the guy behind me is picking his nose, bouncing his head to a beat, so I have to trust there’s a video camera somewhere. And it would show I had no choice but to ram into this asshole before he pulls an Uzi and blasts away at a dude making minimum wage. When the guy starts to inch up, I’m ready. I’m so ready. I’ve been waiting for this asshole all my life. My foot is twitching and my engine is responding and before I can hit the gas, before I can even put my car in drive, this asshole peels out of here so fast, he leaves tire marks in front of me. His middle finger extended out his window. That’s it. A finger. And when I pull up to the window shaking and full of adrenaline and rage, the guy acts like nothing happened. He sees my face, shrugs, and says very clearly, in perfect English, some people are just assholes.
Sabrina Hicks’s work has appeared in Best Small Fictions, Best Micro Fictions, Wigleaf Top 50, Split Lip, Matchbook, Pithead Chapel and other publications. Her book “COYOTE GIRL” will be published by Cowboy Jamboree Press in April 2026. More of her work can be found at sabrinahicks.com.