A THING by PASCALLE DUGAY
How to Give a Tesla an Exorcism
Step 1. Follow the man driving a Tesla home from the gas station where you were busy buying a spicy pickle and a Rock N' Rye pop. He didn’t buy gas, obviously, but he stopped to get some ice cream. You’ll have a stomachache later but you always do, and that’s fine.
Step 2. Park down the road. This neighborhood is for families that never speak to each other because they think all their other neighbors are pedophiles. You throw your wrappers in the back of your older sister’s Dodge Omni, a car that shouldn’t still exist but does because you have to keep it going since it’s the only thing you have from her.
Step 3. Grab your backpack exorcism kit. The crucifix is just to cover your bases, but you don’t really need it, usually. You need eleven paper birch sticks, Fiji water (it has to be Fiji, you can’t refill it from the tap), a brick, duct tape, and your camping tinder kit.
Step 4. Use a universal garage door opener. If that fails, the crowbar does the trick. Once you’re in, the clock is ticking. Put on the XL tie-dye shirt your boyfriend left at your place that summer night after you stayed out till dawn. It smelled of bonfire for two months after he left. Tape your hands like boxers do with duct tape.
Step 5. Line the paper birch sticks around the demonic car in a circle. The greenest part of the stick should face inward. Open the Fiji water and pour it over your head while praying to your sister for protection. You can pray silently, it will still work.
Step 6. Smash the window with the Lifehammer you bought at Walmart, when you first moved into your sister’s car, now you have to move really fast. Start praying out loud while you pour any kind of accelerant from the garage into the front seat. Add the tinder and pray louder now. Some people like to use Latin but I find it doesn’t make a difference. Let the demon know it has no home here.
Step 7. Run to your car. Feel the peace that comes from releasing a demon into the ether. It’s ok to cry, in fact, you’ve been doing it the whole time. Cry and drive away, you’ve never felt so good. Get another spicy pickle for the road.