THREE THINGS by ABBIE DOLL
onion opinion
whoever said an apple a day keeps the doctor away never tried an onion
never whiffed their bewitching musk—never tasted that sharp juicy tang
if you’ve ever teared up undressing one
join this club of cheerful criers
all those hypnotic layers mesmerize
giving tree cookies a run for their money
crisp like flaky phyllo piled tall
if you get lucky, the scent
from that slice & dice sesh
stays, claiming its territory
seasoning savory fingertips
colonizing them for this personal playground
all for you, continue to relish that sweet sweet earth
hands down. onions are my favorite food
friend, always raring to go, the best plus one
diving into dishes delivering a taste that won’t disappoint
so perfect I’d marry one right now
(if I only could)
I’m not persnickety, no fuss here
give ‘em to me raw and pure
fried—roasted—sautéed
grilled—pickled—caramelized
onions are that flawless first date, reluctant to end
name a better veggie, go on—
try. I triple dog dare you.
I’ll take the lot, the whole damn rainbow
leeks and shallots too
for my funeral, forget flowers, bring bulb bouquets. throw ‘em in the casket, season my corpse.
ginger ale gushing
each swig is like
millions of micro mouth bursts
there’s just something
to be said
about this delight
how it rivals
every topnotch honeycrisp
that fresh-from-the-orchard juiciness
it’s the F5 key for life
a quick refresh for my weary soul
christ on a cracker!
we got ourselves
a liquid savior
a total tongue par-tay
a bubbly rave,
nonstop frenetic dancing
all over my tripping tastebuds
unleashed in carbonated ecstasy
meanwhile
the ginger’s geared up
weaponizing its meddlesome spicy aroma
brazenly invading my nostrils
this hostile cavernous enemy territory
but it’s just your basic root
(a potato wannabe)
taking me back
to mine
with this divine taste—
ho-ly ma-tri-mo-ny
the sheer essence of bittersweet
this sensational sweetness, tastes of
maturity, responsibility ramming
its rod right down my unsuspecting throat
calling each sense to rigid frigid attention
my woefully unprepared body
has no stronghold
no protection
of any kind against ginger’s fragrant assault
this fizzy assassination
clutches me, captures me
makes me a hostage (in my own skin)
while these sinful sinus bombs
lick my interior with their stubbled forked tongues
surfing this fierce wave
before getting gobbled
down down down my greedy gullet
ahhhhh
URGENT BULLETIN!
To the immediate attention of all campus residents and personnel:
Campus security has received a number of recent reports of goats on an all-out rampage. These hooved heathens were last seen scampering about near the union, chomping at the foliage with no apparent regard for our lacking landscape budget. Please note we are aware of the disturbance and have hired an animal control unit to assist with this developing situation.
Should you encounter one of these barnyard nuisances, please refrain from engaging; they’re infected with an alarming assortment of contagious diseases. Trust us, we’d prefer to spare you all the repugnant details if possible. Until further notice, we highly recommend you stay indoors. Until these bleating menaces have all been captured, the grounds will not be safe. Should you, despite this cautionary notice, come into contact with one, please seek medical attention immediately; whatever you do, do not look in the mirror before receiving treatment. Please rest assured, all local hospitals have been briefed and have procedures in place to treat patients accordingly. If you are unable to avoid going outside, please minimize all distractions. Keep your phone pocketed and stay vigilant. If you see this troublesome herd of goats approaching, run. Climb a tree if you have to. Escape by any means necessary. Should any campus fixtures suffer incidental damage as a result, no financial or legal consequences will follow. Your safety and survival are of the utmost importance to us. While inside, we recommend moving any houseplants away from windows. Better yet, shut your blinds. The goats are very persistent and very determinedly hungry. We do not intend to underestimate them.
Please stay tuned for additional updates. We thank you for your cooperation and assistance in this trying time and hope to reintroduce a sense of normalcy soon. Remember our safety motto—if you see something, anything at all, you’ve got to say something!
Abbie Doll (she/her) is an eclectic mess of a person who loves exploring the beautiful intricacies of the written word. She resides in Columbus, OH and received her MFA from Lindenwood University; her work has been featured or is forthcoming in Door Is a Jar Magazine, OPEN: Journal of Arts & Letters (O:JA&L), and Black Fox Literary Magazine, among others. Follow her: @AbbieDollWrites.