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whoever said an apple a day keeps the doctor away never tried an onion

never whiffed their bewitching musk—never tasted that sharp juicy tang

if you’ve ever teared up undressing one

join this club of cheerful criers

all those hypnotic layers mesmerize

giving tree cookies a run for their money

crisp like flaky phyllo piled tall

if you get lucky, the scent

from that slice & dice sesh

stays, claiming its territory

seasoning savory fingertips

colonizing them for this personal playground

all for you, continue to relish that sweet sweet earth

hands down. onions are my favorite food

friend, always raring to go, the best plus one

diving into dishes delivering a taste that won’t disappoint

so perfect I’d marry one right now

(if I only could)

I’m not persnickety, no fuss here

give ‘em to me raw and pure



onions are that flawless first date, reluctant to end

name a better veggie, go on—

try. I triple dog dare you.

I’ll take the lot, the whole damn rainbow

leeks and shallots too

for my funeral, forget flowers, bring bulb bouquets. throw ‘em in the casket, season my corpse.


each swig is like

millions of micro mouth bursts

there’s just something

to be said

about this delight

how it rivals

every topnotch honeycrisp

that fresh-from-the-orchard juiciness

it’s the F5 key for life

a quick refresh for my weary soul

christ on a cracker!

we got ourselves

a liquid savior

a total tongue par-tay

a bubbly rave,

nonstop frenetic dancing

all over my tripping tastebuds

unleashed in carbonated ecstasy


the ginger’s geared up

weaponizing its meddlesome spicy aroma

brazenly invading my nostrils

this hostile cavernous enemy territory

but it’s just your basic root

(a potato wannabe)

taking me back

to mine

with this divine taste—

ho-ly ma-tri-mo-ny

the sheer essence of bittersweet

this sensational sweetness, tastes of

maturity, responsibility ramming

its rod right down my unsuspecting throat

calling each sense to rigid frigid attention

my woefully unprepared body

has no stronghold

no protection

of any kind against ginger’s fragrant assault

this fizzy assassination

clutches me, captures me

makes me a hostage (in my own skin)

while these sinful sinus bombs

lick my interior with their stubbled forked tongues

surfing this fierce wave

before getting gobbled

down down down my greedy gullet



To the immediate attention of all campus residents and personnel:

Campus security has received a number of recent reports of goats on an all-out rampage. These hooved heathens were last seen scampering about near the union, chomping at the foliage with no apparent regard for our lacking landscape budget. Please note we are aware of the disturbance and have hired an animal control unit to assist with this developing situation.

Should you encounter one of these barnyard nuisances, please refrain from engaging; they’re infected with an alarming assortment of contagious diseases. Trust us, we’d prefer to spare you all the repugnant details if possible. Until further notice, we highly recommend you stay indoors. Until these bleating menaces have all been captured, the grounds will not be safe. Should you, despite this cautionary notice, come into contact with one, please seek medical attention immediately; whatever you do, do not look in the mirror before receiving treatment. Please rest assured, all local hospitals have been briefed and have procedures in place to treat patients accordingly. If you are unable to avoid going outside, please minimize all distractions. Keep your phone pocketed and stay vigilant. If you see this troublesome herd of goats approaching, run. Climb a tree if you have to. Escape by any means necessary. Should any campus fixtures suffer incidental damage as a result, no financial or legal consequences will follow. Your safety and survival are of the utmost importance to us. While inside, we recommend moving any houseplants away from windows. Better yet, shut your blinds. The goats are very persistent and very determinedly hungry. We do not intend to underestimate them.

Please stay tuned for additional updates. We thank you for your cooperation and assistance in this trying time and hope to reintroduce a sense of normalcy soon. Remember our safety motto—if you see something, anything at all, you’ve got to say something!


Abbie Doll (she/her) is an eclectic mess of a person who loves exploring the beautiful intricacies of the written word. She resides in Columbus, OH and received her MFA from Lindenwood University; her work has been featured or is forthcoming in Door Is a Jar Magazine, OPEN: Journal of Arts & Letters (O:JA&L), and Black Fox Literary Magazine, among others. Follow her: @AbbieDollWrites.

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