THREE POEMS by ERIC BURGOYNE

DEAR MAGGIE,


Our dog is a two-year-old virgin

we’ve been talking with him


He’s getting out more

and with elevated intentions


Spending near-intimate time with

the bitches at a nearby park


Sniffing “all over the place”

while greeting them during walks


Even as their voyeur owners watch

blushing at their lewd overtures


Are there ethics for this?

Sire pups with three girlfriends?


Does this lose or gain him community respect?

More the merrier? Panting, furry cheat?


Who are we to judge?

Or who are we to envy?


Neutering in 4, 3, 2 . . . months

Help!

 

BIKER LIFE


He split the seam of his jeans trying

to kick-start the old Harley


Bought the bike to meet women with tattoos

It’s going slow - the women and the bike


Riding to Sturgis he blew a head gasket

his motorcycle also had some problems


Seated on the parked bike posing for hours

developing a nasty crotch rash


Itching relieved only by long, cold showers

[see slow with the women, above]


The 150-mile return ride home was with

the bike in the back of a Ryder rental truck


He still got the t-shirt, the hangover and the virus

and eventually even a woman


Who visits twice a day to change

his poultices while humming a hymn

 

TOUGH GUY HUMANITIES MAJORS


Bart was interested in an MFA

until learning it wasn’t the obscene

acronym for a scoundrel of a donkey


He imagined the designation after his name

on the free verse he wrote during pedicures


Clyde searched college directories for

coeds named Bonnie or even Bonny

Being a hit as outlaws at costume parties


And jokesters making restaurant reservations

still wearing masks post-pandemic


Basically, ditto the above for Michael

and his boyfriend, Angelo


Buster had a gift for tough guy poetry

Dropped from the football team for punching

a coach, he turned to writing deadly haiku


killer couplets, bitchin acrostics, saucy sestinas

edgy elegies and villainous villanelles

 

Eric Burgoyne is a surfing grandpa living on the North Shore of Oahu, Hawaii. He has an MA in Creative Writing (Poetry) from Teesside University, Middlesbrough England, and an MBA from University of Reading, Berkshire, England. His poems have been published in The Dawntreader, Spillwords, Sledgehammer, Skink Beat Review, Rat’s Ass Review, and elsewhere.