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DEAR MAGGIE,
Our dog is a two-year-old virgin
we’ve been talking with him
He’s getting out more
and with elevated intentions
Spending near-intimate time with
the bitches at a nearby park
Sniffing “all over the place”
while greeting them during walks
Even as their voyeur owners watch
blushing at their lewd overtures
Are there ethics for this?
Sire pups with three girlfriends?
Does this lose or gain him community respect?
More the merrier? Panting, furry cheat?
Who are we to judge?
Or who are we to envy?
Neutering in 4, 3, 2 . . . months
Help!
BIKER LIFE
He split the seam of his jeans trying
to kick-start the old Harley
Bought the bike to meet women with tattoos
It’s going slow - the women and the bike
Riding to Sturgis he blew a head gasket
his motorcycle also had some problems
Seated on the parked bike posing for hours
developing a nasty crotch rash
Itching relieved only by long, cold showers
[see slow with the women, above]
The 150-mile return ride home was with
the bike in the back of a Ryder rental truck
He still got the t-shirt, the hangover and the virus
and eventually even a woman
Who visits twice a day to change
his poultices while humming a hymn
TOUGH GUY HUMANITIES MAJORS
Bart was interested in an MFA
until learning it wasn’t the obscene
acronym for a scoundrel of a donkey
He imagined the designation after his name
on the free verse he wrote during pedicures
Clyde searched college directories for
coeds named Bonnie or even Bonny
Being a hit as outlaws at costume parties
And jokesters making restaurant reservations
still wearing masks post-pandemic
Basically, ditto the above for Michael
and his boyfriend, Angelo
Buster had a gift for tough guy poetry
Dropped from the football team for punching
a coach, he turned to writing deadly haiku
killer couplets, bitchin acrostics, saucy sestinas
edgy elegies and villainous villanelles
Eric Burgoyne is a surfing grandpa living on the North Shore of Oahu, Hawaii. He has an MA in Creative Writing (Poetry) from Teesside University, Middlesbrough England, and an MBA from University of Reading, Berkshire, England. His poems have been published in The Dawntreader, Spillwords, Sledgehammer, Skink Beat Review, Rat’s Ass Review, and elsewhere.