JEWELS IN MY RECTAL VAULT: COLONOSCOPY TRANSCRIPT
This infamous colonoscopy report has been making the rounds lately. An urban legend in its own right filled with fantastical, improbable items found. Well, I'm here to set the record straight. You see, it was MY colonoscopy, and to clear my name (and rectum), I acquired the full gastroenterologist transcript so that future generations may benefit.
Spoiler alert: I'm not full of shit.
PROCEDURE DATE: 02/02/2022
INDICATION: Routine cancer screening 49-year-old female, intermittent rectal bleeding, constipation alternating with diarrhea, and chronic flatulence.
PREMEDICATION: See procedure nurse NCS form. The patient's request for Jack and Coke was denied.
PROCEDURE: After informed consent was begrudgingly obtained, the patient was placed in the left lateral position (request for missionary and reverse cow-girl denied), and the above medications (sans hard liquor) were titrated with adequate sedation. Monitoring was provided throughout the entire procedure (personal request for Uber driver Steve to watch, also denied). A digital rectal exam was performed, revealing a vice-like sphincter tone and angry external hemorrhoids.
The Pentax video colonoscope was inserted into the rectum and advanced under direct visualization. I met some difficulty due to forty years' worth of swallowed pride/disappointment/anger which had formed a solid impaction requiring a laser lithotripsy device to blast through. Once rubble cleared and "dust" settled, I began to remove a magician's handkerchief of undigested neon-colored Bubble Yum that was adherent to the sigmoid colon. Upon dislodgment (and appropriate hand gestures indicating that there was nothing in the sleeves of my surgical gown), I found a single Barbie tennis shoe (in hot pink) wedged in a diverticulum. It was removed and sent to podiatric pathology.
As I turned the splenic flexure, I discovered a cave-like diorama indistinguishable from a Land of the Lost playset from 1978, including a miniature Sleestak that, were it not for the environment, would be in mint condition. Approaching the hepatic flexure was a mass graveyard of skeletonized rodent remains. Like elephants, they, gerbils perhaps, appeared to find a single location to mourn their dead. Samples were sent to paleo-pathology.
Advancing the scope further required no direct lighting as bioluminescent mushroom colonies grew amongst the colonic haustra. Their green light scattered against glitter that coated the entire colon up to the cecum. The resultant strobe effect was a mini rave where small herds of miniaturized dik-dik danced in ecstasy. Samples of this gut fauna were sent along with her gut flora to microbiology, pharmacology, and the Bronx Zoo.
The appendiceal orifice was identified and appeared to be densely packed with spiced meat. The ileocecal valve was identified, beyond which should have been the small intestine but instead was a swirling vortex to another dimension. I slowly retracted the scope to avoid losing it to the black hole within the patient's back hole. As the scope retreated, I could confirm there were no masses, polyps, AVM's or other signs of normalcy within the entire colon. On a retroflexed view of the rectum, jewels were embedded in the rectal vault. Which now explained the Captain Jack Sparrow lower back tattoo and the hastily drawn treasure map on the back of her HIPAA form.
The quality of the preparation was God awful, as it was apparent that the patient took neither Miralax, Dulcolax, Yakkety Sax, or any vegetables at any time in her life.
The endoscope was removed before losing colleagues, and the procedure was terminated. The ancillary staff were met with crisis counselors, blankets, and hot cocoa.
The patient tolerated the procedure well without complications. Personally, I will never be the same again.
1. Not entirely sure they are human.
2. Otherwise, healthy colon.
PLAN: Surgical consult for removal of the appendikebab. Linguistic and etymological consult for whether it should be called haggis-appendix or appendiceal empanada.
Enrollment in sphincter psychotherapy. Initiation of fiber, any fiber, for the love of God, fiber.
FOLLOW-UP: In the office in approximately four weeks for mushroom harvesting.
Dictated and electronically signed by:
Attending Gastroenterologist - Dr. Joshna "GI Joan" McDreamy
Nina Miller (she/her) is an Indian-American physician, epee fencer and micro/flash fiction writer. Her work can be found in TL;DR Press's anthology, Mosaic: The Best of the 1,000 Word Herd Flash Fiction Competition 2022, Bright Flash Literary Review, The Belladonna, Five Minutes, 101 words, and more. Follow her @ninaMD1 and read more at ninamillerwrites.com.