KAIJU EMPOWERMENT: MOTHRA’S PLAN TO REJUVENATE EARTH
STEP ONE: MOTHRA’S KAIJU EMPOWERMENT CAMPAIGN
Mothra is a benevolent goddess. My cocoon did not destroy Tokyo Tower. My larvae never devoured human flesh. These were scurrilous rumors perpetuated by conservative politicians who were threatened by Mothra’s fecund womb. Mothra’s kaiju empowerment campaign shall promote monster acceptance and prove that I love all my children equally—Homo sapiens and larvae. Mothra is the altruistic, winged protector of Earth and humanity.
STEP TWO: BRIBE GODZILLA
Contrary to popular belief, Godzilla is neither my ex-lover nor my archenemy, but I’ll need to offer my scaly buddy a bribe to lure him from retirement.
Godzilla sleeps eleven hours every night. Monday through Friday, he attends government-mandated anger management courses, then lounges poolside with beer kegs clutched in his claws. Saturday nights, he visits his favorite strip club and pays naked ladies for lap dances. Sunday is my reptile buddy’s hangover day. Incentivizing a lounge lizard to get off his duff is tough, but Godzilla adores fish and chips. Toss a whole Albacore tuna and a ton of potatoes in a tank of sizzling oil, yell, “Hey, sexy,” and the big boy will come running. When he’s finished gorging, he’ll stomp buildings if I ask nicely. You catch more Kaiju with honey than vinegar.
STEP THREE: BUILD COMMUNITY GARDENS
Homo sapiens will freak out when Godzilla crushes skyscrapers, but I’ll flap my wings and blow the debris into outer space. As a gesture of goodwill, I will donate my heirloom seeds and help humans plant gardens. Together, we shall end starvation. Trust me, you shall be overcome with joy when you taste your homegrown fruit and vegetables!
STEP FOUR: RECREATION
Though I try to be a benevolent goddess, sometimes I transform into a homicidal monster. When humans shun me, I suffer hormonal imbalances that cause hot flashes, a catastrophic problem if I am within eighty-nine feet of combustible material. Glass, metal, wood, and human flesh vaporize. Poof!
Calisthenics in the morning, a leisurely flight through a forest after lunch, and a toke of ganja before dinner prevent Mothra from becoming a weapon of mass destruction.
STEP FIVE: CREATE INTERPLANETARY CONFLICT
Remember all the debris I blew into space? That toxic rubble will infuriate the extraterrestrials. Of course, I won’t let an alien invasion destroy Earth. Humans will call me a savior when I suggest we hold the First Intergalactic Peace Accord!
STEP SIX: INFILTRATE ENEMIES
Mothra shall seduce an extraterrestrial at the First Intergalactic Peace Accord.
STEP SEVEN: HUMP LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW
Moon-Beast tentacles provide frigging amazing stimulation. Slimy, rubbing, thrusting, pulsating, ecstasy!
When I fornicate with my giant extraterrestrial toad consort, the planet shall quake, sending tremors from Tokyo to Las Vegas.
Handy tips for surviving Mothra’s orgasm tremors:
If you hear the Moon-Beast’s flute whistling, that’s a sure sign we’re going to hump. Shout, “Earthquake!” to warn your kin. Sprint quickly when aberrational seismic activity opens streets and sidewalks. Beware of sinkholes and stampedes.
Of course, breeding leads to Moth-Beast larvae. Mothra’s womb is extraordinarily fertile, but excreting eggs is a perilous process. Mothra’s screams shall shatter windows. Thousands of gallons of ovum lubricant will gush from my nether regions. I would share more details about my amazing genital anatomy, but Mothra does not want to be accused of writing porn.
Strap on your scuba tank, fasten the mouthpiece, mask, and flippers. If you or your kin can’t swim, drowning in ovum lubricant is possible. Mothra apologizes for the collateral damage. I want to be a good mother to all of Earth’s creatures, but propagating larvae is my sacred duty.
STEP EIGHT: NURTURE LARVAE
Moth-Beast larvae adore tentacle messages and listening to lullabies while they suckle from hundred-gallon bottles filled with pureed apples, kale juice, and algae. All over the planet, I shall set up nurseries and hire thousands of humans to nurture my offspring!
STEP NINE: HARVEST EXCREMENT
My offspring produce extraordinary excrement. One glowing larvae pellet creates enough clean energy to power New York City for a week. And each of my slimy darlings squirts out hundreds of poops a day. Humans can stop relying on toxic energy sources. Petrochemicals, coal, and nuclear power—sayonara. Battery-operated cars, trucks, trains, and planes will be obsolete. One caca in the tank will keep you zooming around for a decade!
STEP TEN: MEDIATE SQUABBLES BETWEEN HUMANS AND LARVAE
Each ravenous Moth-Beast larvae weighs approximately 15,000 tons. Of course, Homo sapiens will be terrified when the leech-like maws devour crops. Fortunately, my slimy darlings will not be finicky eaters. I shall fund bamboo farms. More jobs for humans!
STEP ELEVEN: GUIDED MEDITATION
A roar disturbs your peaceful slumber. You leap from your bed and rush to the window. Two Moth-Beast larvae are in front of your dwelling, playing tug-of-war with a Venusian rhinolizard who is thrashing and screaming. The smaller larvae roars at his sibling.
Mothra hovers above them. I chastise my offspring, “Naughty, put him down.”
The larvae chitter. The slimy tyke with longer tentacles sinks her fangs into the extraterrestrial lizard’s skull. Crunch.
You’re convinced that the larvae will feast on you next. You shriek louder than you’ve ever shrieked before.
Mothra wants to offer you comfort, but coddling a hysterical child is counterproductive. Guided meditation shall make you feel safe and secure. I shall say, “Focus on my antennae as they sway—back and forth, back and forth. Feel your muscles relax, the resistance draining from your body.”
Your sobs turn to whimpers.
Mothra releases a plume of calming pheromones.
You inhale the musky vapor. Your lips curl in a smile. You say, “Mothra loves me.”
STEP TWELVE: BECOME EARTH’S FIRST PLANETARY EMPRESS
Humbly, Mothra shall accept her jeweled crown. With my horny Moon-Beast consort at my side, I shall rule Earth.
STEP TWELVE PART B: PREPARE FOR WAR
This is an emergency broadcast message: The aliens are invading.
Mothra was blinded by lust—but now that the honeymoon is over, I’ve discovered that my Moon-Beast consort is a duplicitous megalomaniac. The cunning toad sent secret communications to the Moon-Beast Supreme Leader, plotting to invade Earth. Fortunately, my larvae tattled on their father.
Using my supersonic flight abilities, I zoomed across the planet and spun protective cocoons around oceans, forests, and jungles. I wanted to swaddle the great cities, but my silksacks were dry.
In thirty-six minutes, missiles shall rain from the sky. Do not panic. Do not panic.
Mothra is the winged mother of Earth and humanity. She shall save you. With Godzilla and my larvae at my side, I shall battle the extraterrestrials.
Focus on my antennae as they sway—back and forth, back and forth. Feel your muscles relax, the resistance draining from your body.
Say, “Mothra loves me.”
Alicia Hilton is an author, editor, arbitrator, law professor, actor, and former FBI Special Agent. She believes in angels and demons, magic, and monsters. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Akashic Books, Daily Science Fiction, Lovecraftiana, Neon, NonBinary Review, Not One of Us, Space & Time, Unnerving, Vastarien, Year’s Best Hardcore Horror Volumes 4, 5, & 6, and elsewhere. She is a member of the Horror Writers Association, the Science Fiction and Fantasy Poetry Association, and the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers Association. Her website is aliciahilton.com. Follow her on Twitter @aliciahilton01.